If there's one thing that I can say with absolute certainty, without an ounce of doubt, is that as far as my career goes, everything I've achieved or received has been absolutely through God's grace. It is the one aspect of my life that I can't say I had input in, the one thing I watched God unfold even against my initial reservations and doubts. For years I had my plans for something completely different than what I am doing now. I laid my heart on a path and gave my everything until one day I decided "God your will be done."
If I only would've known how loaded that phrase was.
Everything changed. My career, my ideas, my outlook, my heart's desire, my passions... it was like everything I had so earnestly worked for had suddenly been plucked out of my hands only to be given something completely different.
Looking back on that now, whenever someone asks how I've been able to deal with all the obstacles and hardships related to this career and education, all I can say is, through God.
I mean honestly, as wonderful as recognition and grades and certificates and positions can be, what I do is not for myself. In my heart, God placed a burden for my career, and so in everything that I do, it is to show how grateful I am of His blessings and faithfulness in my life. The least I can do, after all this time is to give my best.
This was the one thing I had to learn to completely let go and let God. It was the one thing I completely trusted Him in and knew it was only because of Him.
Until now.
For a while, I was upset that I'd wasted my time. I felt cheated, like I'd been teased into believing something only to have it taken away. I felt, much the same as I had felt when God completely switched my career. After years of dedication and hopes and dreams, once again I was left without explanation.
It wasn't until this week that I reflected on the fact that a couple of months ago I had once again uttered those very loaded words. I had meant them, of course, I had simply forgotten the depth of their meaning.
When we pray, "God your will be done" we essentially tell Him, "Even though I've given you my list of hopes and desires, even though you know what I long for and wish for, even though I want certain things, all that doesn't matter. Forget what I said. In fact, I said absolutely nothing. Actually, it literally is what You deem best."
I had asked for it. Once again, I had let go of another area of my life. I'd set myself up for change.
How could I resent Him for what I allowed?
I realized, it wasn't just that I had allowed Him, but that when I had done this in the past, I'd actually been completely and utterly blessed beyond measure. Time and time again, God proved His love for me in the way things worked together once I had surrendered my will. All I had to do was trust and push forward.
All the time that I had dedicated in both instances was not in vain. In the past, God used my experiences to shape my outlook, dedication and commitment in the present. Today, I understood that it would be much the same.
Time had not been wasted, as much as I felt it. Time had molded me, matured me, and prepared me for the things God had been wanting to give me all along.
Once again, I am being pushed to grow, believe, trust, mature, and hold on.
On the night that things changed, I heard the words "hold on," and today I've learned...
Hold on for the ride.
Hold on to hope
Hold on to the promises
Hold on to Me.
I'm holding on, because I'm confident in the God who made everything perfect in the past. Even in the middle of all it's challenges He remained. I trust that He will continue to do the same today, and while I trust, I'll hold on to His promises and continue running the race. While I await God's plans for me, I'll give my best, remembering that in the end it's truly all for Him.
Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.
-Hebrews 10:23
