Holding On

If there's one thing that I can say with absolute certainty, without an ounce of doubt, is that as far as my career goes, everything I've achieved or received has been absolutely through God's grace. It is the one aspect of my life that I can't say I had input in, the one thing I watched God  unfold even against my initial reservations and doubts. For years I had my plans for something completely different than what I am doing now. I laid my heart on a path and gave my everything until one day I decided "God your will be done."

If I only would've known how loaded that phrase was.

Everything changed. My career, my ideas, my outlook, my heart's desire, my passions... it was like everything I had so earnestly worked for had suddenly been plucked out of my hands only to be given something completely different. 

Looking back on that now, whenever someone asks how I've been able to deal with all the obstacles and hardships related to this career and education, all I can say is, through God. 

I mean honestly, as wonderful as recognition and grades and certificates and positions can be, what I do is not for myself. In my heart, God placed a burden for my career, and so in everything that I do, it is to show how grateful I am of His blessings and faithfulness in my life. The least I can do, after all this time is to give my best.

This was the one thing I had to learn to completely let go and let God. It was the one thing I completely trusted Him in and knew it was only because of Him.

Until now.

For two years there was a decision that I'd been set on, it had been a commitment, something I was very careful and cautious about. I did a lot of praying, and even when I was completely at peace with it and things seemed to be going in a positive direction, things just didn't work out in the end.

For a while, I was upset that I'd wasted my time. I felt cheated, like I'd been teased into believing something only to have it taken away. I felt, much the same as I had felt when God completely switched my career. After years of dedication and hopes and dreams, once again I was left without explanation.

It wasn't until this week that I reflected on the fact that a couple of months ago I had once again uttered those very loaded words. I had meant them, of course, I had simply forgotten the depth of their meaning.

When we pray, "God your will be done" we essentially tell Him, "Even though I've given you my list of hopes and desires, even though you know what I long for and wish for, even though I want certain things, all that doesn't matter. Forget what I said. In fact, I said absolutely nothing. Actually, it literally is what You deem best."

I had asked for it. Once again, I had let go of another area of my life. I'd set myself up for change.

How could I resent Him for what I allowed?

I realized, it wasn't just that I had allowed Him, but that when I had done this in the past, I'd actually been completely and utterly blessed beyond measure. Time and time again, God proved His love for me in the way things worked together once I had surrendered my will. All I had to do was trust and push forward.

All the time that I had dedicated in both instances was not in vain. In the past, God used my experiences to shape my outlook, dedication and commitment in the present. Today, I understood that it would be much the same. 

Time had not been wasted, as much as I felt it. Time had molded me, matured me, and prepared me for the things God had been wanting to give me all along. 

 Once again, I am being pushed to grow, believe, trust, mature, and hold on.

On the night that things changed, I heard the words "hold on," and today I've learned...

Hold on for the ride.

Hold on to hope

Hold on to the promises

Hold on to Me. 

I'm holding on, because I'm confident in the God who made everything perfect in the past. Even in the middle of all it's challenges He remained. I trust that He will continue to do the same today, and while I trust, I'll hold on to His promises and continue running the race. While I await God's plans for me, I'll give my best, remembering that in the end it's truly all for Him.

Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 

-Hebrews 10:23

A Little Mending

How can I not be grateful?

Letting those last words roll off my tongue as I spoke to a family friend today, I realized how much I absolutely meant them. For the first time in my life, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and true joy fill my spirit. 

It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks, enough to break me to pieces. And sure, I've cried my fair share of tears and felt the pain that comes with it all, but today I realized.

I really am joyful, I really am grateful. 

You know, I always used to ask myself, "would I be okay with actually giving God everything?" I always used to say yes. When asked if I was willing to give everything and my life to Him, I said yes because it felt like the right thing to say. But today, today when I was asked how I truly felt about everything that was falling apart and crumbling in my life, all I could say was... grateful. When that person looked at me, all I could do was chuckle and smile and say, that yes, I was joyful, I was grateful, I was genuinely, truthfully at peace. 

I imagine that when you absolutely love someone and they you, you trust them with everything. Your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your desires, your flaws your everything. And there comes a point where even when you may be going through hard times, that love, is everything. That love covers everything and gives you a peace and a joy. You hope and you know, that despite what you may endure, they are there loving and holding you.

That's how I've felt God. 

How can I not be grateful for the love He's shown me? Even when I am hurting, when I set my eyes on Him, there is nothing more beautiful, nothing more perfect, and nothing more fulfilling. In that moment, there is nothing else. It may be storming and thundering, I may be soaked in the hardships of life, but in Him, all else falls away.

There is peace.

Even though I've never been so comfortable with the idea of opening my hands completely and letting Him take everything, sometimes things have to burn for us to finally let go. And we'll end up with scars that only He can mend. And in the moment that we are left with nothing but empty hands and a soul that cries out for healing, there's really only One who can do the mending.
And I'm okay with that,
In fact I'm more than okay with that. I'm at peace with it.
And even though I don't think it will ever make sense how I can sing and be glad while my world crumbles, all I know is that someone can make beauty from ashes.
Someone loved and loves me enough to do that every day.
Someone is making all things new.

And in that I am entirely grateful.
And in that, well... lets just say my heart has been made glad.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:6-7

Something Different

My doctor surprised me with her words yesterday; it was  the last person I expected to hear anything encouraging from. She took a long look at me and smiled a wide excited smile. "You look beautiful," she said, "something about you, are you doing anything differently because it's showing." If she only knew. 

I laughed it off and thanked her greatly, sincerely, but indeed if she knew what "differently" was, she probably would've never associated that with what she saw. In a way though, I felt like again, God was showing me just how much He loves me and uplifts me. 

In the day following a change in my life recently, I spent the day blaming myself, asking many a question, looking for answers, feeling helpless, feeling confused. That day was met with the most unexpected of conversations with two friends who had long lost contact. I began to smile, laugh even. In a weird way, I felt like God had given me flowers. A small encouragement to show He'd never left.

The following days consisted of God's healing and loving hand on my heart. I set new goals for myself, I decided to follow my convictions on other matters and decided to live every single day as a gift.

I decided I would let God romance me. 

I decided to seek the king's heart.

So I've risen up out of bed every day with great expectation. Every day I've dressed myself spiritually in joy and physically as if I was going out on a date.

Because the truth is, I am.

                Every day I'm on a date with He who loves me bigger than the universe, He who will never let go, and He who has given everything for me.

And I want to be ready.

               Because yesterday He showed me He was watching. 

Because He's given me every day as a wonderful gift.

                           And I want to be presentable and beautiful in His eyes.

Inside and out. 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[a]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. -Lamentations 3:22-23

Let My Words Be Few

Recently life has been a whirlwind of things I had not planned for. In many of these circumstances I'd find myself asking God why things turned out the way that they did. Many of my "conversations" revolved around my questioning, my wanting to know the ins and outs, my wanting explanations, my wanting a reason for everything.

I've found myself at an awkward point in my life where I am the closest I've ever felt to God while being at my weakest physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. And all that weakness has brought me to my knees through the storms that have passed and continue to rain on. I am asking, I was asking a heck of a lot of questions.

How is it that serving you...                                          Why does it feel like I'm alone...

                       How is it that trying to honor You....                            Why do you take....

         Why are you keeping me here...                     What do you want from me...

I eagerly expected God to come with direct speech. I eagerly expected God to point out the neon signs that lead to some kind of answer. I wanted answers. I wanted reasons. I wanted an explanation.

I sounded like a whiny child.

It wasn't until yesterday that from the most unexpected place came the words that made me stop completely.

Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. Ecclesiastes 5:2

To understand, the past couple of weeks (all my complaining included) I had been wrestling with two things, the first: why God called Himself "I Am" when Moses asked who he should say sent him to free the isrealites. While the Bible does not say that Moses stood agape at the response, I can just imagine his face. "I Am, that's it?" I can imagine him trying to figure out how on earth that would bring any comfort to a struggling people. How could it? The name wasn't "The God on Fire," or "Justice," or "Vengeance" or "Superman"... it was "I Am." What did that mean..?

It meant, I have been, I Am being, and I will be. It meant that he was everything in everything for everything despite everything. He was. He is. He will be. 

Secondly, how is it that one is grateful in all things. How can you be grateful for loss? How can you be grateful for pain? How could I be grateful for suffering? Isn't it funny that God never asked me to be grateful for things... but in all things? What does that mean? In the middle of loss, be grateful. In the middle of pain, be grateful. In the middle of suffering be grateful. And yes! In abundance be grateful too! IN all things, regardless of circumstance, I have to be grateful.

Why...

Because God is in heaven and I am on earth..

Wow. Have you ever lost your keys and started looking all around your house/office/room for them until you realized you had them in your hand all along? That is exactly how I felt. Dumbfounded. I had missed the obvious.

My view is limited, and I'm a short individual so I mean that with a light heart as well! But I cannot see what is to come. All I can see is the here and now. I'm like a toddler trying to see across a wall that's obviously 3 or 4 times taller than me. I simply cannot do it. But someone else can. 

God's view is eternal. He sees everything. His view is far beyond what mine could ever hope to be. 

And while I spend my time complaining that I am blind and that I want answers, God says, "I am everything, I am in control, I am God, so let me be God and let your words be few... let your words be gratitude."

In the middle of everything, isn't it awesome to know that He holds the future and He already plans for our best?
The loss that I experience reminds me He is sufficient, and in that I am grateful.

The pain that I feel, reminds me that I am alive,that it too shall pass, and in that I am grateful.

The suffering I endure reminds me what He suffered for us first...and in that especially, I am eternally grateful.

Today, I have nothing left to ask. Today I woke up giving thanks. After weeks and nights of whining and throwing words out carelessly, I've nothing left but gratitude. My words are few, but they are meaningful.

I am going through one of the hardest seasons in my life, but I am grateful. I have a God who cannot be exaggerated or diminished, and that is a comfort. 

I await the sunrise with great expectation, but while it storms and while it pours I will be grateful for the life I know it will bring.