Of All the Changes

this year, getting married and moving have been the biggest ones. A year ago, I wouldn't have imagined even close to being where I am today. A year ago I didn't think I'd be packing my bags and moving to a completely new city with new people, new experiences, and definitely new challenges.

I've never been one to miss home too much. As much as I love my parents, home has never felt like a permanent place for me. Everything seemed on the verge of some irrevocable change, some abrupt end. For most of my life, I've lived with this notion that my sense of security would be shattered...
And so I never truly let myself attach to a place-- not really. Some part of me always knew better.

But things are much different when everything changes quickly. That, I was not prepared for. In a year's time I graduated, began my career, fell in love, married, and moved out of my family's home.

I wasn't prepared for the drastic shift in pretty much everything.

Sometimes change hurts. Despite the self-preparation and the amount of time I spent convincing myself that it would be easier. It's still not.  There are times when I miss being around people, around others. There are times when I miss how close everything was-- little things. I miss the way people smiled no matter where you were, and breakfast tacos were a short drive away. I miss the way food was always made in company, and the way breakfast and dinner could last hours at a time. I miss the local coffee, and the Madeline's that always knew my order-- the library where I owed $7.80 but they still let me check out books because I'd always go often.

I miss the way the living room smelled when mom hung the laundry out after a wash. The way I could always smell a hint of cinnamon and lemon in the air. How she'd argue with my dad over who told the story of the day better, and how many bags of flaming hot chips he'd brought home. Or how many Oreo's he'd eaten, or how many episodes she'd binge watched.

I say all these things, and still there's a small pain in my chest that won't go away. I say these things about this past life with fondness, and yet despite all these things, I am eternally grateful for all the new in my present.

I'm grateful for the new family that I've made here and the small memories we are still creating. I'm grateful for how everything's a drive away-- it always give me a chance to meditate about how blessed I am along the way. I'm grateful for how my husband smiles at me every time he comes home from work. How I'm showered with love and kisses after being apart for what feels, always, like forever. I'm grateful for the pantry and our fridge always being stocked and the way it never matters whether it's frozen pizza or a homemade meal, my husband is always right beside me laughing and sharing life with me. I'm grateful for instant coffee and cinnamon and evaporated milk that has made many a frothy drink in the company of those close to me here, the gas station that always knows what chips I'll buy and, so far, keeps them stocked.

I love the way there's always just enough light in the morning and as the sun goes down, the way our home smells like home and perhaps a pinch of this morning's breakfast. I love how arguments with my husband consist of who loves who more and how "horrible" it is to have to make beds and do dishes. How he'll pull me closer when watching TV while we binge watch shows with pan dulce, or ice cream in our hands. I love the way I'm never alone when I sleep, and even when my dreams try to convince me otherwise, I'll always, in perfect timing, feel his arms around me.

I love how home, this... new home, is consistent, peaceful, and truly feels like home. Even through the imperfections, I'm grateful that we've been given a chance to build together and build well.

And while sometimes my past comes knocking and wanting to remind me of the things I'm missing, it has also worked to give me that many more reasons to be thankful for what I've been blessed with.

Truly, my God has blessed me in plenty. Then, here, there, now.
Of all the changes this year, growing in gratitude and appreciation for what I've had all around, in all my life... that's what I've learned to cherish every day.